Oh those negative thoughts.....

One of the biggest reasons people come into therapy is because they have anxiety and depression. People are in different parts and times of their lives and seeking support, coping skills and just in general help.

But when we dive deeper, what I at least often see is that people are carrying with them negative thoughts about themselves. These thoughts can be anything from “I am not good enough.” ,“I am unloveable” , “I am not smart enough” or any other number of different negative thoughts. These thoughts often stop people dead in their tracks from doing new things, accomplishing new tasks or accomplishing their goals.

I often work with people to challenge these thoughts. Where did you first notice these thoughts? What does it feel like when you have those thoughts? Where do you feel it in your body? Where did these thoughts first happen?

Its my hypothesis and belief that these thoughts were prescribed to us by others. Whether those others are/were parents, caregivers, childhood bully, or even our partners. But the truth is those messages were prescribed to us by someone else and we do not actually have to take on that prescription or message. We can leave that here and not carry it with us going forward.

Co parenting blog part two from professionals around the country

This is a great blog about co parenting issues from specialist from around the country.  Please check it out!  http://www.drwollerman.com/my-blog/co-parenting-blog-part-two-tips-from-professionals-around-the-country

Uvalde, Texas blog

As I sit here, thinking about the most recent school shooting that has occurred in Uvalde, Texas I can’t help but think about what could have been done differently, done better to ensure that no other family in the United States has to endure the pain and trauma of losing a child to a school shooter. To ensure that a teacher going to work for the day comes home to their family at dismissal.  Every child and family should not only have the right to a free education in this country, as is granted in the Constitution, but we should have the right to a SAFE educational environment.  I am sure so many others are having similar thoughts. 

So often after these tragic events, we see cries on social media and in the news for Gun Control.  The way I see it, Gun Control is only one small part of this multi facet issue.  In addition to gun control, we as a society also need to be looking at the Mental Health system that is failing our country.  As provider’s, we are mandated to follow HIPAA protocols which state we cannot acknowledge whether someone is a patient or client without written consent.  In theory, seems pretty straight forward, as a therapist I can not disclose to anyone else that Joe X is a patient or client of mine without Joe X giving me written consent to release this information.  I cannot have Joe X’s mom, friend, partner or anyone else and tell me they want Joe X to receive services, Joe X has to call himself to arrange for these services.  Again, seems straight forward and to most people, they would say yes, I don’t want others knowing my medical information without my consent. 

The short fall of this is how then do we access services for someone who we can see need the services but won’t go?  This problem is often times brought to light with families where the family sees a member is hurting themselves in some way but won’t go for help.  How do we help a family or friends when we see social media post that cause concern, but there is no alerting to the authorities?  How do we help families identify a potential issue and what resources are available to aid them to prevent such tragedy? If the authorities are alerted, can they even respond unless a plan is outlined in the social media posts?  I do not have the answers or solutions to stop all of these shootings, but I do know that not enough is being done to protect our innocent children and the teachers and school staff who go to work every day.  I do believe nothing has changed since Columbine High School shooting on April 20, 1999.  Bullying needs to be addressed in schools better, security in schools needs to be increased, even if it means locking all the doors and using cameras to allow access into the building, mental health services need to be looked at and yes, even gun control to eliminate certain types of weapons from getting into the hands of unstable, mentally ill adults.

When people are sending emails or calling their local representative offices looking for action, please remember it is more then just gun control involved.  Calling for reform and ideas to protect our communities is needed and without the Mental health issues being changed, these senseless acts will continue. 

Hobbies

All too often lately, across all age groups, I am seeing all over Social Media people but especially moms, struggling with making friends. 

Whether this is some lasting effect of the isolation during Covid, the increase of utilization and dependance on our devices, people are struggling with making friends or remembering how to go about this.  People are reporting feeling lonely and of not having a sense of self. 

One of the ways to make friends is to have something in common with a person.  When kids are starting high school or going into college, we often tell them to get involved on campus, join clubs.  Being an adult is no different.  If you have a hobby you want to get involved with, try to find a local group in your area and if you can’t find one, start a group!  I am sure there are others who would love to be a part of it!

One of the ways to make friends is to develop a hobby.  If hobbies are new to you, think about something you always wanted to join or try.  We can often find hobbies or things to do groups on social media that could be useful or interesting.  Some people actually get overwhelmed at the thought of what kind of hobby.  Below is a list of 50 activities that can be hobbies.

1.Hiking                                                                                  26. Canoeing

2. Running                                                                              27.Bowling

3. Yoga                                                                                   28. Pickle Ball

4. Bike Riding                                                                         29. Tennis

5. Gym                                                                                    30. Painting

6. Pilates                                                                                31. Crafting

7. Knitting                                                                              32. Writing

8. Crochet                                                                              33. Photography

9. Book Club                                                                          34. Music

10. Archery                                                                            35. Music instrument

11.Gardening                                                                         36. Fishing

12. Volunteer for a local cause                                            37. Horseback riding

13. Get involved in a local politician’s campaign            38. Road trips   

14. Volunteer at a local school                                            39. Camping

15. Volunteer at a Soup Kitchen                                          40. Rving

16. Vintage cars and car shows                                           41. Travel

17. Yachting                                                                           42.  Volunteer at a hospital

18. Bird watching                                                                  43. Go back to school

19. Stamp collecting                                                             44. Learn to fly

20. Reading                                                                            45. Join an adult rec team

21. Meditation                                                                      46. Poetry

22. Cooking                                                                            47. Blog

23. Baking                                                                              48.Puzzles

24. Golf                                                                                  49. Take an acting or dance class

25. Rafting                                                                             50. Swimming

Hobbies are good for us for many reasons.  They help keep us active both sometimes Physically and Mentally.  They make us feel more confident. They help ward off symptoms of Anxiety and depression and they help us get more involved and to meet new people! 

Now might be the perfect time to find one in your community! 

Burnt out Moms

I am seeing more and more woman, moms talking about feeling “Not good enough”, “Tired all the time”, “touched out”, and just mentally exhausted.  These are all adjectives to describe the mom burnout or the weight of the mental load of being a woman and a mom. 

This is from the mental load that woman carry in their families.  Women take on an enormous amount of responsibility for the functioning of their families.  Its overwhelming, daunting and just plain exhausting.  Everything from when does the baby need to be changed, my spouse has a work meeting tomorrow so I have to get his suit ready to the bills have to be paid, to what’s for dinner. 

It is just too much. Woman in particular are afraid of disappointing others, not living up to other people’s expectations or being judged by others.  These fears are in part why woman take so much on.  This in particular is true when woman is “People Pleasers” or who experience the trauma response of Fawning. 

We all know what I am talking about and I am sure if you are reading this you can add a million things to the list of things on mom’s mind.  But what can we do about it?  Here are my favorite top three things: One of the best things that moms can do is to learn the word “No.”  No is a complete sentence in and of itself with no explanation needed.  No can be said to anyone at any time.  Its ok to put boundaries up around what can and cannot be done.  No is the perfect word to set those boundaries and too many women are afraid to use the power of the word No.  Its ok to say No I can not take one more thing on. 

Other things women can do is to make sure to practice self-care on a regular basis.  Schedule it, just like you would schedule soccer practice for your kids or their annual physical exam.  Put it on the calendar and do not sacrifice that self-care time.  It is sacred and should be treated as such…. Because it is ok to say No to anything that might try to encroach on that time. 

The next thing that moms can do to help with burnout is to Delegate, delegate, delegate! 

Assign other people in your family tasks or chores that they can do on their own and allow them to do it there way.  Let your husband cook dinner one night.  What does that mean?  Allow him to think about what he wants to cook for that evening, let him go through the kitchen to see what ingredients he needs to cook said meal.  Let him go to the grocery store to get any missing ingredients.  Let him schedule to be home to prep the meal and cook the meal.  Delegate a task to members of your family and allow them ownership of the task from start to completion. This is especially true for households with kids from about 6 and up.  Younger kids can set the table.  Older kids can learn to do their own laundry or even start to cook dinners.  Teens who are driving can stop and pick up dry cleaning or stop at the grocery store and do grocery shopping.  I know many of you are thinking I can’t have my kids do that!  But ya you can and you will be a much better mom for it mentally and emotionally!